Without careful thought and preparation, unnecessary tension can be exacerbated at Christmas which in turn can impact on the children. It is therefore very important for parents to recognise that children will benefit from spending time with each of them and their extended family members. To achieve that, sensible arrangements need to be made in plenty of time. This article is designed to provide some handy tips to avoid unhappiness and stress during the festive season.
Unfortunately there are Courts around the country that have to set aside a day for hearing Christmas contact disputes. These days are very stressful, expensive and usually desperately unsatisfactory. There are a number of ways to avoid becoming part of one of these very unpleasant hearings:
1. Make arrangements well in advance of Christmas. It is vital to plan ahead. It may be impossible for the children to spend time with you both on Christmas Day. However the Christmas holidays are an extended period of time which allow alternative arrangements to be made. It may be that you agree that Christmas Day will be spent on alternate years with each parent. Some parents agree that if the children are not spending Christmas Day with them, they will spend Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or New Year with them instead. Some parents make “special arrangements” with Father Christmas who is able to deliver presents on two nights, allowing “two Christmas Days”. There should be no reason at all that the parents cannot spoil the children on other days and the children may genuinely look forward to having two Christmas Days. In many European countries, there are very many different traditions relating to when presents are given and opened.
2. Handover times can be difficult. It is important that the handovers are as amicable and civil as possible. It is much better for the children to see their parents getting on and therefore, it is recommended to try to be as accommodating with the handovers as possible. If you are able to assist with travel arrangements, it is nice gesture to offer to do so.
3. In relation to presents, children are bombarded by pre-Christmas marketing. Many children have long lists of toys and presents that they hope to receive on Christmas morning. Careful planning is required to avoid “doubling up”. Similarly, it is important to try not to get caught up in a competition about gifts with each parent trying to “outdo” the other. Children can be very tuned in to rifts between their parents and can try to exploit them to get the gift that they want. This is particularly noticeable when the earning power of each parent is different. Conversation prior to Christmas can avoid these problems.
4. If it is impossible for one parent to see the children on Christmas Day, please try to make sure that the children have an opportunity to at least speak with the other parent on that day.
5. When having discussions about arrangements for Christmas, try to do so in an environment where the children will not be present so that in the event there is a disagreement, they will not be party to it.
6. One of the key issues in relation to making arrangements for children, comes down to communication. If for whatever reason, communication is not great, it may be appropriate to share diaries or sensible e-mails. Alternatively, if you are fortunate enough to have a good relationship with your ex-spouse or partner, it may be beneficial to invite them for a cup of coffee and to have a civil discussion to try to reach agreement about what the arrangements will be for the children.
- Above all, it is important to remember that you have thought enough about each other to bring the children into this world. You should not see yourselves as two “warring parties” but rather as parents of the children that undoubtedly you will both love dearly. For that reason, at this time of the year, if you have not yet been able to extend the olive branch, now is the time to do so.
For advice please contact Mark Day in York on 01904 683116 or send him and
email or Kate Saunders in Lincoln on 01522 508816 or send her an
email.